Why is it so easy to be judgy of your past self and the mistakes made along the way? In “retrospect” everything always seems so clear! Humans tend to blame themselves due to a cognitive bias known as hindsight bias, or the “knew it all along” effect. This bias makes past events seem more predictable than they were, leading to the false belief that “we should have known better” and “could have predicted a negative outcome.” This self-blame is often a mental shortcut the brain takes to try and make sense of events. This thinking often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment- to name a few. These added feelings are not helpful!
Name someone who hasn’t said or done something in their life that has led to feelings of regret. I always remind my clients that of course it seems so clear now, you didn’t have the 20/20 vision in the past and all the emotions that went with it in real time. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget some important details. Here are some tips on how to move forward with less judgement:
A self-compassionate perspective: You need to have self-compassion for your past self and the mistakes made along the way. It’s not how we fall, but how we get back up. Take time to reflect on the full picture of what was going on at the time and how the circumstances impact decision making. Work on self-forgiveness.
Let go of the control: To let go of hindsight bias, it’s important to release the illusion of control you had over past events. Life is filled with uncertainty every day, and we can't predict the future. All you can do is your best from where you are.
Shift your focus: Shift your focus of the past to the present and future. The goal is to constantly be learning and growing. Some of life’s best lessons come from the mistakes made through the challenging times.
Good vs. bad: We don’t need to classify every experience in life as good or bad. You are not the sum of your mistakes. All people live with some form of regret from the past and this doesn’t mean we’re all bad, just human!
Input gratitude: Take some time to feel thankful for the things you like about yourself, the people you love, and reflect on the joys in your life. Gratitude puts life into perspective!
Life is filled with so many ups and downs and is a roller coaster ride of constant feelings-it’s not easy. While we all can express empathy to one another, nobody has truly walked in your shoes. I challenge you to reflect on yourself with less judgement and more humanity. Maybe even extend that grace to some people around you. Let’s all be flawed and compassionate on our way to being our best selves! Self-growth without the judgement—imagine that!
