Jealousy is an emotion with a bad reputation! Jealous characters in movies and television shows often depict the emotion as leading to some wild, passive aggressive, or unproductive behaviors—and there is no denying that it can. The feeling is also often linked to feelings of shame or insecurity—and we are not supposed to feel those things, right? WRONG! While these emotions are often uncomfortable to experience, they are also normal. Many people attach “shouldn’t” to jealousy. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” And if you read my previous blog “Stop Saying Should”, you know the word “should” rarely leads down a good path! The inner dialogue needs to change to accept the feeling and work through it. While jealousy is a normal human emotion, one must learn how to productively respond to it.
Parents, no matter what your relationship with jealousy is, you can help your child develop a healthy relationship with the emotion. Read the case example below to see how you can respond to this emotion in your child—and maybe even yourself!
Case Example: Kevin didn’t make the travel soccer team, but his best friend Matt did. Kevin is complaining to his parents that he doesn’t know why his friend made the team and that Matt basically sucks.
Unhelpful Parental Responses
“Stop feeling jealous.” Right here you’ve connected shame and insecurity to the emotion in a negative way. Now you not only feel jealous and upset because you didn’t make the team, but also ashamed that you are experiencing something that you “shouldn’t” feel. Also, when you tell someone not to feel something, you are invalidating them and their experience. Not to mention, if a person could just “stop” an uncomfortable emotion don’t you think they would?!
“I know, it makes no sense to me how Matt made the team. He’s not nearly as good as you are. The coaches don’t know what they are doing.” Okay, now you’ve joined in on the jealous behavior and continued the pattern of unproductive thoughts. You are also placing blame. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life and a skill we all need to learn how to sit with. Everyone can feel jealous and disappointed, but the energy is better spent focusing on what’s in your control. Insulting another child will not change the result. We don’t need to teach our children to deflect their feelings. Acknowledge, sit with it, and take productive action when applicable.
“I don’t like it when you feel this way. Let me take you out for ice cream and some new clothes so you don’t feel upset and jealous.” Telling your child you don’t like when they have an emotion leads to shame and insecurity. It sends the message, I “shouldn’t” feel this way. The parent here has a discomfort with the emotion and wants it shut down for relief. Remind yourself that to handle things life brings their way; they need to experience and learn to cope with all emotions. See each time as practice. Taking your child out for ice cream and new clothes to shut an emotion down is a “NO”. Validating your child’s feelings without trying to change it but living out your values if that includes going out for ice cream or new clothes is a “YES”.
Parent Healthy Response Example
“Thank you for talking to me about this. It sounds like you are experiencing jealousy because Matt made the team and you didn’t, this is a completely understandable response. I’d feel that way too if I were you. I know you feel mad at Matt because he achieved something you wanted but let’s focus on you, your experience and how you can make the team next time rather than put down your friend’s achievement.”
The parental response acknowledges the significance of the child opening up, normalizes the feeling of jealousy, takes it one step further to connect with what their personal experience might be, raises self-awareness of the behavioral response to the emotion, and provides a productive action to replace the unproductive one.
“It’s hard when things don’t go the way you want them too. I know you work hard. It’s normal to feel a bit jealous of your friend but hating on Matt is not helpful to him or you. Give yourself some time and I’m here to talk about what happened whenever you need.”
This response acknowledges the difficulty in dealing with the situation, normalizes it, and sets the boundary that hating on someone is not a helpful way to channel the feelings. The parent also highlights taking time to just be rather than acting in the moment-in this case verbally. This parent here communicates being open to talk about the experience when the child is ready.
How would you respond to your child or yourself? It’s important to note that these are examples specific to jealousy, but the skills apply to all feelings.
If you struggle with jealousy, like many, YOU CAN change your relationship with the feeling. Remember, jealousy is not bad, it’s the thoughts and behaviors that follow the emotion that determine good or bad. If you don’t have the self-awareness or tools “YET” to live with the feeling of jealousy in a productive way, counseling can help you develop the skills needed to succeed. At A Little Counseling, we’d love to help you or your child with jealousy or any other feelings you may struggle with. Give us a call, we have a bad a** reputation for good counseling, others are jealous. 😉 (just kidding!)
