When my daughter was 4 years old, she got a bead stuck up her nose and I think that was an easier situation to navigate than answering some of the questions she asks sometimes! As parents, we have about as much control over our children's behavior as we do over the questions they ask—very little. We frequently receive many questions here at ALC from parents asking how much to disclose when a child asks a question that covers an uncomfortable topic, seems developmentally inappropriate, or there is general fear of causing damage with the answer. If you struggle with this, read on!
To start, if your children come to you with questions, it’s important to see the significance of creating a safe space for them -- so please acknowledge this before panicking! If your child has taken the time to ask the question, this means they are ready for an answer. Notice that I said “an” answer. As adults, our life experience and the information we store in our brains is a lot more complex than the undeveloped mind of a child. So, your initial reaction to a big question may be the result of your own life experience and complex understanding of a topic. The child may not need the complex answer to satisfy their curiosity. It’s crucial to understand this and take yourself out of the “hot” seat, keep the focus on the child, and lean into your own curiosity. From here, consider these steps to help navigate even the hardest questions:
Praise and Validate: When your children come to you with big questions praise their curiosity and validate it. “Thank you for bringing this question to me, curiosity is a great quality.” Right here, you’ve already helped them with a skill without even touching on the question. Children need praise and validation to continue open communication. Start this young and you will be grateful when they become teenagers, and their questions become more complex.
Keep the focus on the child: As mentioned above, we need to set aside the complexities of our own thoughts and get curious ourselves. Reflect a question back on the child and ask them what they know about the topic. “This is a great question, I’m curious what you already know about this?” You’ve just given them the opportunity to take you into their mind and see what their intention or reason was in the first place. You may be shocked to find out their question did not need the explanation you originally thought it did.
Boundaries: It’s okay to welcome questions while establishing boundaries. Sometimes children will ask questions that they don’t need to know the answers to because they may be personal to the parent. While staying with the mindset of encouraging open communication, never shut them down with closed phrases like “it’s none of your business” or “you don’t need to know that.” Instead, validate and praise, and then set the boundary. For example, “I appreciate your curiosity, and I’m glad you come to me with these questions. I’d want to know what happened too if I were you. At this time, I’d prefer not to go into the details of our separation. There isn’t one answer to this question, as many things contributed to our decision, but please know that you’re loved and safe. We will do our best to help you through this.” Notice that the question was welcomed but the person chose not to give an answer because it was likely not in the child’s best interest. The response also highlights that the answer is not black or white, it’s gray -- which highlights flexible thinking. It’s okay and healthy to set boundaries.
Keep in mind that if you shut down certain questions that do have concrete responses with a boundary, the child may just go and ask someone else. Take time to ponder this before making your decision. Give yourself permission to take a second and come back to the question after thinking about it.
Release the Pressure: You don’t have to answer a hard or big question the moment it’s asked. Whether you are in a non-private location, or feel unprepared to address the topic, tell the child you appreciate the question and will revisit it later. Make sure you stick to it and go back to it later. Addressing the topic later models healthy coping, whereas avoidance models avoidance.
Speak the facts but pace them out: If the question is complex and you’ve established they really want to know, give them a small amount of information and welcome them back to ask more questions later. Leave the door open, and they may or may not investigate with more. Parents are often surprised how quickly a child may go from a big topic to talking about their favorite color. You just never know!
Be Human: Regardless of the big question your child is asking, never fear letting them know you don’t know. In some cases, you can problem solve together. They learn that it’s okay to be human every time a parent admits to faults and mistakes. Also, quit looking for the “perfect” response as it doesn’t exist. Instead, lead from your values and you can’t go wrong.
You may never love some of the questions you receive as a parent, but you can build confidence in how to handle them. Once you remove the fear or anticipation, you can trust your best effort. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a counselor, pediatrician, or another professional to help with big questions. Parenting is not easy and it’s great to have support.
Now for the big question -- what does your discomfort with some of your child’s questions reveal about you? Yup, not to worry, we help adults here too. 😉
