If you ask my dad, he had the greatest parents because they taught him “life’s not fair,” to just deal with it, and then just handed him a basketball. Hmmmmm, well, that’s something. I’d have to look more into the tough love “just deal with it” part, as that might not have aged well 🤷‍♀️. The conversation did get me thinking: if life’s not fair, how do we teach our children to be fair and handle unfairness in a healthy way? So here we go:

How to teach children to be fair:

Fairness does not equal everyone getting the same thing: Fairness does not mean identical treatment; it means that everyone gets what they need to succeed. Each person needs their own specific tools, support, and resources to reach a fair and equal outcome based on their unique situation.

Practice skills: Impulse control to wait, empathy, perspective-taking, communication skills to negotiate, and accepting a compromise. Practice skills that encourage fairness frequently, so they become automatic.

Praise fairness when you see it: Notice and name the behavior out loud when your kids or others are playing fair. When you speak, they’re listening, unless, of course, you’re asking them to do something 😉

Model it: Kids are watching what you’re doing, so make sure to model the behavior you’d like them to emulate. If you don’t act with integrity, how could you expect your child to? Also, nobody is perfect. As I’ve said before, we are going for an average!

Talk about it: When you watch, read, or observe something that is fair or unfair, talk about it. Ask for their opinions on how they would navigate situations.

How to handle “life’s not fair” in a healthy way:

Acknowledge the feelings: It’s okay to be angry, frustrated, and defeated at the same time. Whatever you are feeling, feel it.

Sit, but don’t sit too long: Take the time to sit with your feelings. You don’t need to jump straight into a “growth mindset.” The key is to sit, but not too long. If you notice the feelings interfering with your ability to function, reach out for help. You don’t have to process it alone.

Avoid looking for the “why”: No matter how many times you dissect a situation, it may never make sense to you, and that’s okay. The more you ruminate, the more time is lost in doing things you enjoy. As hard as it can be to accept reality, going against the grain only makes it harder to move forward.

Focus on yourself: Although it’s hard, stay in your lane. Comparing yourself to other people only leads to resentment and keeps the frustration going. Think about how your journey is unique.

Weigh the pros and cons of speaking up: Depending on the situation, you may want to speak up. Regardless of the outcome, you’re not enabling the situation, you’re letting your values and desires be known, and you’re trying to promote some change moving forward. There are respectful ways to speak up when you disagree.

Now, reset your mindset: Once ready, take on a growth mindset to see what you’ve learned or how you want to proceed forward. Take the fire of your feelings and put them into a growth mindset. How can you grow from this? You’re what you can control here.

“Life’s not fair” is an important concept for us and our children to learn in life, as nothing is guaranteed. Each situation and person is unique; therefore, there are many ways to deal with unfairness according to your values. Handling unfairness is a life skill that’s developed over time and continues to challenge us all regularly. At A Little Counseling, we help our clients develop the skill through building respectful communication skills, values identification, learning to identify and sit with uncomfortable emotions, building a support system, and developing a growth mindset to override negative thinking. Instead of “just deal with it,” you can learn “to deal with it.” And just like Billy Joel says in his signature parting quote, “Don’t take any s**t from anybody.” (In the nicest way possible, of course!) 😉