“If you have to sacrifice your voice to ‘keep the peace,’ it’s no longer peaceful.” — Zara Bas
Direct communication requires emotional vulnerability and risks immediate conflict. Research indicates that approximately 70% of people avoid direct and tough conversations. Most people who do engage in direct communication endure it with high anxiety and discomfort. So, it’s a very human experience to be triggered by direct communication.
The older I get, the more appreciation I have for people who are respectfully direct and look for solutions. It’s an art that allows you to share your needs clearly, reduces stress from hidden anger (and remember, it always finds its way out 😉), and helps people respect your personal boundaries. Here are some tips on how to be respectfully direct:
Use “I” statements: Communication 101: use “I” when expressing your feelings as much as possible. “You” puts people on the defensive, which inherently makes the conversation prone to conflict.
Example:
“I” Statement: “I felt sad when the plans changed, and immediately, I shut down.”
You Statement: “You are always changing and canceling the plans, and then you wonder why I don’t want to speak with you.”
See what I mean?!
Speak the facts: When being direct, speak of the facts. Avoid name-calling or attacking someone’s character.
“I need some time to myself this evening.”
Remove the fluff: Refrain from phrases like “I’m sorry to bother you” and get to the point. Self-disclosure: it drives me crazy when people use phrases like “Can we speak?” or “There is something I need to tell you.” I don’t need the buildup; just tell me! I should clarify, it is okay to ask if it’s an okay time to speak, but once you have the attention, speak!
Pay attention to your tone and body language: Try to keep your voice even and your body language open. Uncross your arms and legs, relax your posture, and keep good eye contact. The point is to be approachable, friendly, and willing to engage. Your tone and body language speak as loudly as your words do.
Listen and validate: Take the time to hear what the other person has to say in response to your communication. Give your full attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting. Validate what you are hearing when possible.
Pause: When being direct with someone, it’s okay to take a pause before responding or just to gather your words. The pressure you feel to respond immediately often comes from yourself.
Take the anxiety with you: If direct communication makes you anxious, take the anxiety with you and practice. With practice, it will likely go down over time.
Keep the focus on what’s in your control: Direct communication often comes with a perceived risk: hurting someone’s feelings, conflict, rejection, or the fear that nothing will come of it. All these risks are valid, but remember, it’s not your responsibility to take on everyone’s emotions or reactions. All emotions are a part of life, and the conversation may or may not trigger someone. If you are respectful with your direct communication, that’s all you can control.
Remember, respectful direct communication comes from a place of care, not to hurt or dismiss. There is something to be said about someone who can be authentically clear with their communication. Counseling is a great way to identify and work on what gets in the way of your direct communication and practice. When you learn to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm, you might find yourself happier and build deeper connections. Imagine that: the thing that you fear the most ends up being the thing that enhances your life!
