"A big part of emotional maturity is being able to allow others to express their opinions freely without getting upset or defensive."

Defensiveness, otherwise known as emotional armor, is different than defending yourself. We can defend ourselves in a calm and rational way to correct misinformation, add context, or set boundaries against unfair treatment. In contrast, being defensive is emotional, reactive, and often an irrational response to criticism to protect the ego.

Defensiveness is a natural and often unconscious tool used for protection. Your nervous system takes in a threat of criticism, feedback, or conflict as an attack and the "fight" response swoops in to protect you. Defensiveness can be learned survival from early traumatic experiences where you had to protect yourself. Once you are no longer in survival mode, you will learn it doesn't serve you in the present — the "trauma bodyguard" backfires.

While this often-automatic response intends to be helpful, it's often not and damages relationships, prevents growth and learning when one is unable to listen or accept responsibility, stops effective communication, and is emotionally draining. Not every difference of opinion needs to be a competition of me vs. you. Here are some ways to let go of defensiveness.

Admit you can be defensive: Defensive people often say: "I'm not being defensive." This step may start as a self-reflection after a disagreement. Ask yourself, "Did I feel threatened in some way?" or "Is there something I was protecting myself from feeling in that moment?" Step away and see if the space provides more insight into admitting you may have difficulty with taking some responsibility.

Pause: When you feel attacked by someone, do the opposite action of what you may want to do in that moment. For example, if feeling attacked makes you want to scream at someone or deny, slow down and take a pause before responding. You could save a lot of regret in the future at this step.

Listen to understand, not reply: Take time to hear what the other person is saying to you. See if you can pick up on their emotions behind what they are saying. Can you empathize with them? It's important to hear what is being said to you and focus on the other person.

Validate: Validating what someone is saying to you is a skill that can go a long way, even if you disagree. Everyone has an innate need to feel understood and heard. "I can see how that would feel frustrating to you." Rather than, "Well that is the amount of time it takes to do this because I have limited time and you're just impatient."

Take responsibility where there is fault: Taking responsibility is a skill and it goes a long way for strong interpersonal relationships. "You're right, I was five days late to finish the project — which I understand is frustrating when you want something on time." As opposed to, "I was only five days late and you didn't even really need it until I gave it to you anyway."

Feel the feelings: When you let your defensive guard down, it opens you up to the possibility of feeling shame, guilt, or unwanted "negative" emotions. While nobody wants to feel these things, they come with living. You can build your tolerance to handle these deep emotions over time which will help you become less defensive over time.

If being defensive is causing damage to your relationships, take that knowledge and start making changes. You may be surprised at how far changing your communication in interpersonal relationships can go. Counseling is a great way to work on letting down your defense. We can help you learn about why the defense feels the most comfortable for you, what emotions are underneath defensive behavior, productive ways to communicate, and learn to build distress tolerance which is needed for accepting some responsibility. It's time to embrace self-growth and build stronger relationships. Give A Little Counseling a call, defensive armor is not included!